There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
