i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Couch. On fire.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
