when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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