i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
