My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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