There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
its liver damage thursday
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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