just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
