I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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