Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
