Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
