i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
