Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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