Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
