Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
