All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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