Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
