Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Sober January is a disaster.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
