Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
