I'm going to jail i love you
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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