What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
