Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Randomize
