The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
