apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
