i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
