I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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