still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
