He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
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You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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