you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
