Me. At least after what I've been through.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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