I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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