I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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