Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
