My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
