fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
