the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
