Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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