I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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