I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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