saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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