I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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