I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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