I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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