hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
