I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
