i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
