I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
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