My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
