I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
