I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I wish there were birth control emojis
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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