And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
