Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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