Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
