I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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