True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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