god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
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He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
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He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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