I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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