I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
