fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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